Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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