This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
