i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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