I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
