you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
