She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
