The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
