did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
