You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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