wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
