omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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