I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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