a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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