This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
