I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You can't special order awesome
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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