Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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