Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
