Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
