My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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