The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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