I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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