and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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