I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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