good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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