if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
