Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
