hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
