I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
