So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
