So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
