you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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