You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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