Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its not stalking. its research.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
