I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
