i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the day after is always just damage control
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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