you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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