I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
