dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize