I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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