my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Randomize
