I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
