Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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