there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
