whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize