seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I skipped work to stalk him.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
