i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
