the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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