So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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