So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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