I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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