She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
