You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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