there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
