i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
