Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
