You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
