I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
