I can't watch pbs sober anymore
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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