There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
