Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
that is very illegal...i love you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
