i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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