It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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