my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
