I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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