all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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