so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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